I think one of my biggest fear is opening my real self in front of someone.. not because I feel that nobody would understand.. but because I know that letting anyone know even a part of me is a big deal for me.. I can talk to any random person.. that person might also feel I have started considering him/her as my best friend and in some cases I am hitting on him, but from inside I am hardly attached to that person..

 I am strange in many ways.. one of them is that I am just not honest about myself except with a very few.. no matter how many years I may have spent with a friend.. no matter how I behave with him/her, I cannot show my real side.. I always get a feel that a person should be really worth it to know me.. and maybe that is why I have problems in my relationships.. as a friend, I am caring, all masti masti kinds.. can take any nonscence.. not much of an expectation.. all goes well.. but when I am close to someone... I start showing how I actually am.. telling my deepest secrets, desires.. having expectations.. maybe over expectations too... over demanding.. attention seeker.. want pampering.. and worst of all.. reacting in those ways which can really piss off  person..  and I think I do the last one intentionally.. not consciously.. but sub consciously I keep testing that person.. I dont know whether its the right thing to do or not.. but I somehow cannot let just "anyone" be a part of my life.. maybe I do this to let the other person prove himself or maybe I want to see when does he lose his patience.. I feel I am difficult to handle.. with all my mood swings out of order and of course, my tantrums at times and those too without any reason.. 

If I count people who understood me in the past, I would give it a big 0... I can explain this.. no matter how close the person is to me, he/she can never know what I am thinking.. my face is very explicit in showing my emotions, but I have a quality of covering everything very smartly.. and trust me nobody in the past could catch it.. I am caring, sweet, understanding, mushy mushy at times too.. but.. i am also wicked, cruel, torturous and a lot more synonyms.. i am just scared of showing who i actually am.. even my close friends know me in bits and parts.. nobody knows whole of it.. and maybe I am looking for someone who can actually extract all of it... ;).. and I think this is the reason for  my insecurity when I feel somebody is coming close to me.. I get vulnerable.. i always felt i am more of a stoic person.. and whenever a person tries to make my emotions come out, I get scared.. of letting go of my so called self believed 'stoic' nature..I get a weak feeling whenever I feel I am falling for someone.. weak because.. I know I am giving him the permission to enter in my life.. and that too in a very strong way..

I believe in the quote ' people who are in your heart are the only ones who know where to hurt you'.. I have taken risks in my past too.. some were a big time failures and some best friends forever.. but i know one thing for sure.. there was one person who made me go through hell because I let him in my life.. because I loved him but was never sure that does he love me back.. I am scared of making the same mistake again.. I had a feeling that I am incapable of love.. that time too I followed my heart, my instincts and the guy proved me wrong.. this thing has made me build more walls around my heart.. the moment I feel even one brick in my built wall is shaking, I get all weird.. I know it is not the mistake of the other person in this whole process.. maybe he does feel genuinely for me and my weird reactions, behavior , fights for no reason can push him farther away from me.. but I cant help it.. I really want to make a right decision..I know I am tough to handle and maybe I want to see who can accept me just the way I am.. with my mood swings, my pangs, my fits.. Dont know whether grilling someone to the point where he can even crack is right or not..

Going with the flow.. let's see when the pieces fall back together.. ;) :)