My last blog on this site.. this one is for my friends.. I've always written blogs when I am being an intrusive thinker and have wanted to vent out my thoughts.. but for my last blog here, I wanted to dedicate it to all my friends.. those who are with me and even those who were an important part of my life in the past and are not now..  things change between people.. expectations change.. some people whom I considered besties once are the ones I dont even talk to.. but in the end, its all okay.. because people who are meant to stay would always stay.. you dont have to fight for them or with them to make them stay in your life.. I've never stopped people from going away.. those who wish to leave choose for themselves.. i always try to bring them back..  some might say that I dont care.. but I do. Sometimes I am hurt too and I am just not in a state to bring them back... I miss a few people in my life.. I tried in the past too to talk to them, but I guess it wasnt just worth it..  I want them to stay by their own will.. convincing them to be with me would anyways not gonna work.. the only problem which I feel makes the relation erode away is the expectations part.. we always think that things would be the same way forever.. the right which we have on the person or all the attention which was always given by a friend, would remain that way.. but it changes and we are just not ready to accept that gracefully. I've been lucky to got some beautiful friends.. even if I dont get to talk to them, they would be in my heart forever the same way they were before..  dedicated to all those who have touched my heart and let me be the way I am now:

Ankita - someone I had my best times as teenager with.. those chats, faltu ki gossips, that horoscope baba, fiitjee, all our crush discussions.. would remain always special.. she made my life fresh and lively with all that nonscence talks..

Tammy- my bro.. someone who made me smile even during the toughest of days.. that first bhai-behen proposal of his.. his confession of love for every girl he saw.. our endless talks.. bunks.. fights ..and his bhai wala pyar for me..

Dujju- someone who made me realize how important it is to be a best friend in a relationship.. always a best friend.. who listened to my bakwaas non stop and still stood by me with all my tantrums... one of the most caring and loving persons Iv met till now.. he has taught me how to be a real friend with somebody..

Viv- one of the very few people Iv connected to.. with all our telepathies and knowing each others thoughts even without actually speaking.. he just used to just look in my eyes and somehow read my mind.. I miss that connection of viv with other people.. he was a guide, a true friend in every sense..

Kartika- i love her.. shez the one who has contributed in making me the "kamina" I am now.. Iv had some of the most fun loving moments with her.. someone who has taught me how to enjoy the life to the fullest and cover up all the lies tactfully.. all my tacts and kaminapan is dedicated to her..

Dipinn Sikka- I am sure if I would have been a guy, I would have been dipinn sikka.. never knew he and I would become so good friends.. I remember the first fight we had in the cab.. where we were literally on the verge to pull each others hair.. his leaving CAT exam after talking to me.. car pool masti.. our sharing secrets with each other.. my gaaliyan on him.. I know even if we dont get to talk for months, we would be the same way forever..

Eva- we are alike.. in most of the ways.. the time I miss a lot is when we used to talk for hours and hours till the time when her mom and my mom used to literally shout on us,, starting from our normal college gossips to she being such an integral part of my life that I coudnt and still cant stop sharing my tiniest details.. the best part about us is that we just understand each other without the feeling of being judged. i know and believe that even if we dont get to talk for days, the moment we talk the next time makes us have the bond of the same level everytime..

Rahul- in terms of thinking, he and I are exactly same.. we think on such same lines that someone cant even make out who is the one thinking.. he is someone with whom I can just sit for hours without even speaking a word and still enjoy that time.. he and I share a balance of fun, serious talks, intrusive talks and fights.. the best part of us is the connection to a level which I hardly share with others..we can spend endless time talking nonscence.. I am just myself with him.. I dont have to fabricate, potray as something else because he just understands.. we dont have to speak through words to know what is in the other person's mind and probably this is the thing that makes our friendship all the more special...

Dipin Anand-never knew he and I would become this close friends.. people think we are going around because of our chemistry.. and the most interesting part is that this is one of the things that has made him be one of the very few I love so much.. we can connect, share things, enjoy time not worrying about anything else.. i guess this is why the bond is strong...our endless watsapp, fights, sentipana , masti, secrets are all worth remembering forever..


Many people I have mentioned above are not in touch with me anymore.. and I dont even know the rest of the people I talk to right now would stay physically in my life or not..But one thing I am sure of is that these are the ones that have touched my life. I have been protective, possessive, over pampering for them,, and this is how I am with people I truly love.. Even if they dont want to talk to me down the line, they would still be special..

Love your friends and do anything for them..no matter what they feel, but if you genuinely love them, just be yourself. I am happy seeing these people happy ., whether I am a part of their life or not doesnt matter..

Last quote of my blog which I love the most:
 ” every once in a while people step up.. they rise above themselves.. sometimes they surprise you.. and sometimes they fall short.. life is funny sometimes.. it can push pretty hard.. but if you look close enough, you find hope in the words of your frnz..if you’re lucky , n if you are the luckiest person on this planet, the person you truly call your frnd, would decide to call you the same throughout their life..”..


Bye!!!!!
Richa

I think one of my biggest fear is opening my real self in front of someone.. not because I feel that nobody would understand.. but because I know that letting anyone know even a part of me is a big deal for me.. I can talk to any random person.. that person might also feel I have started considering him/her as my best friend and in some cases I am hitting on him, but from inside I am hardly attached to that person..

 I am strange in many ways.. one of them is that I am just not honest about myself except with a very few.. no matter how many years I may have spent with a friend.. no matter how I behave with him/her, I cannot show my real side.. I always get a feel that a person should be really worth it to know me.. and maybe that is why I have problems in my relationships.. as a friend, I am caring, all masti masti kinds.. can take any nonscence.. not much of an expectation.. all goes well.. but when I am close to someone... I start showing how I actually am.. telling my deepest secrets, desires.. having expectations.. maybe over expectations too... over demanding.. attention seeker.. want pampering.. and worst of all.. reacting in those ways which can really piss off  person..  and I think I do the last one intentionally.. not consciously.. but sub consciously I keep testing that person.. I dont know whether its the right thing to do or not.. but I somehow cannot let just "anyone" be a part of my life.. maybe I do this to let the other person prove himself or maybe I want to see when does he lose his patience.. I feel I am difficult to handle.. with all my mood swings out of order and of course, my tantrums at times and those too without any reason.. 

If I count people who understood me in the past, I would give it a big 0... I can explain this.. no matter how close the person is to me, he/she can never know what I am thinking.. my face is very explicit in showing my emotions, but I have a quality of covering everything very smartly.. and trust me nobody in the past could catch it.. I am caring, sweet, understanding, mushy mushy at times too.. but.. i am also wicked, cruel, torturous and a lot more synonyms.. i am just scared of showing who i actually am.. even my close friends know me in bits and parts.. nobody knows whole of it.. and maybe I am looking for someone who can actually extract all of it... ;).. and I think this is the reason for  my insecurity when I feel somebody is coming close to me.. I get vulnerable.. i always felt i am more of a stoic person.. and whenever a person tries to make my emotions come out, I get scared.. of letting go of my so called self believed 'stoic' nature..I get a weak feeling whenever I feel I am falling for someone.. weak because.. I know I am giving him the permission to enter in my life.. and that too in a very strong way..

I believe in the quote ' people who are in your heart are the only ones who know where to hurt you'.. I have taken risks in my past too.. some were a big time failures and some best friends forever.. but i know one thing for sure.. there was one person who made me go through hell because I let him in my life.. because I loved him but was never sure that does he love me back.. I am scared of making the same mistake again.. I had a feeling that I am incapable of love.. that time too I followed my heart, my instincts and the guy proved me wrong.. this thing has made me build more walls around my heart.. the moment I feel even one brick in my built wall is shaking, I get all weird.. I know it is not the mistake of the other person in this whole process.. maybe he does feel genuinely for me and my weird reactions, behavior , fights for no reason can push him farther away from me.. but I cant help it.. I really want to make a right decision..I know I am tough to handle and maybe I want to see who can accept me just the way I am.. with my mood swings, my pangs, my fits.. Dont know whether grilling someone to the point where he can even crack is right or not..

Going with the flow.. let's see when the pieces fall back together.. ;) :)

I generally write blogs when I have a reason to think.. I like to vent out everything within me, maybe because I get better clarity when I am introspecting while writing or maybe because I feel so helpless and frustrated that I don't have anything else to do...
I heard a statement today.. "we only search for those things in our life which we have experienced sometime in the past, even if it was for a fraction of second..".. for things which we have yet not felt or experienced, how can we try to find them? My view is.. a mix.. that's true we search for those things which we have felt in the past and want to experience in future too.. but its also true that we have a quest within us to find more about those things which are unsure of on how they'll feel.. most of us dont know what we want.. we have a typical schedule each day, following a routine and unsure of our deep hidden thing desire within us... we run, run more and keep running not knowing where to stop.. I am not trying to sound philosophical, but had an intrusive thought today.. why is that people conveniently put things on you and go away.. If I have a friend and we decide on something, and maybe I do something different which probably I dint intend to do it that way, but he misinterprets it. what is the right solution.. conveniently putting things on me, telling his decision or trying to discuss it with me first on why I did so and so thing and coming to a mutual decision?
Life is strange.. people come by our choice but go by their own choice.. I guess I am the one incapable of love and even friendship.. maybe because I cant articulate well and let people make their own choice and dump their decisions on me or maybe i havent yet made a difference in anyone's life.. either ways, i have to let it go.. people i think are worth always disappoint me.. partially because of their own mistakes and partially because i could never make right choices..

Emotions are like wild horses... they can only be tamed when they get tired.. :).. nice quote.. has a nice meaning if understood well..
Just a thought.. life is about making decisions..taking risks.. and exploring oneself and life.. life has no meaning without the gamble we do at every step. gamble not in actual sense, but literally, holding the meaning that we have to play our cards right. we don't know what is going to happen at next step, yet we anxiously wait for that 'next' moment.. maybe because there is uncertainty involved in it .. if we play it wrong, we end up either in despair and frustration or in a more confident way to play more and win it 'right' this time.. At every stage of making decisions, we have two options to chose. One, where we very carefully calculate all the permutations and combinations and then play safely. Second, to understand the risks involved and then play smartly.  I believe in choosing the second path, not because i feel I will always play smartly , but because if I wont choose the risky path I'll always have a "maybe I could win" feeling. At least, now I have taken the risk and I know for sure what was the fate ..it gives me a chance to know and explore myself more as a person too.. what's the point in being safe all the time.. living in 'maybe' world is not my cup of tea. What is yours? :)

Feelings & emotions change. It doesn't mean that if you don't feel something for each other anymore, the Love is gone. If Love were only feelings then there's no such thing as Lasting. LOVE can sometimes turn numb or even may boring. You just have to be patient because love itself is Life. Not all the time you were IN for all it's happiness. Sometimes you also have to give IN to it's bitterness, but no matter what, as long as you choose and decide to continue... it will be more beautiful. :)

A beautiful Poem I came across while reading something :

He HoLds mE whEn I sTaRt To CrY
MaKeS mE sMiLe WiTh jUsT hIs EyEs
ShArEs My HoPeS, dReAmS, fEaRs
He WiPeS aWaY aLL mY tEaRs
I LoVe HiM wIth nO rEgReT
I JuSt HaVeN't FoUnD hIm YeT

Intrusive thought.. Is it necessary to hate someone in order to forget someone? Isn't realizing that things are not meant to be enough to let someone go? Honestly, I do not know what kind of person I am. Maybe people would judge me wrong here, but I have never hated anyone in my life. No matter how much hurt I have been in the process, I still feel that everyone is right at his/her place. In life,I might have hurt someone intentionally/unintentionally. But I still think I am a good human being because it is the state of my mind and the need of the hour which makes us do or say something that makes the other person feel bad. When I do forgive myself for hurting someone else, why cant I forgive the other person. I am not trying to be Mother Teresa here, nor I am trying to say that you should be forgiving so that that people misuse this and keep hurting you. In clear words, I am trying to say that forgive and let it go. Don't put things in your heart.. if someone broke your trust or did something wrong, understand that thing with open heart and mind, dont trust that person again .. just move on.  Dont repeat the same mistake, dont give another chance if you dont feel right, but let it go. The more you'll keep things in your heart, you'll never be able to move on because in whichever way it is, it is STILL in your heart and mind , even if it is in the negative way. I had read a story long time back which I want to share in brief here. There was a man who went to a saint to find answers to his problems. He said that 20 years before, he was best friends with a man who eventually cheated on him in business. He got broke emotionally, because of his friend breaking his trust and financially, because he lost huge amount of money. He started hating him, which is justified logically. Now, during those 20 years, he always had a revengeful attitude against him. He asked that saint a question :"I hate him to the core. What shall I do to let him down? I have not been able to live in peace during these entire 20 years".
To this the saint replied, " the only way to live in peace is to have him removed from your mind and heart. You think MORE about someone if you hate him.. because he still occupies a portion of your mind.. Whatever he did to you would come down to him eventually. Learn from your mistake what you did 20 years back and leave the things. Even if you take revenge now, that would not give you peace because you would go down along with him.."

Dont know what these words value at this time on this earth for many of us. But, right now, I feel, realizing things and letting go is the best solution to all the problems.. LEARN, UNDERSTAND and LET GO.. :)